My Ferris Wheel

I am having flashbacks of Toulouse as if a wall that I have built around those memories has broken down. It’s almost a year now since I have moved back but the glimpses of that life seems so strong.  It’s as if they are sending me a message, it just comes and goes. A song that I used to hear or a whiff of the perfume I used to use is just enough to take me back.

I remember oh so clearly my tiny room and how it used to get so cold during the night and I used to wonder why they never had a better heater, snuggling in my blanket. I remember the warm sun hitting me on my face first thing in the morning from our window. I remember the guitar playing from the room above ours where this guy used to practice all night long. I remember the winding stairs I used to sit on night after night, with a glass of wine in my hand and talking on the phone or just staring at those old windows.

I remember those class rooms and the break rooms which always smell like a hundred people have just smoked there. I can taste the hot chocolate I used to gulp down every morning with a doughnut while rushing to school. Sometimes when I walk to office I see the road that I used to walk on every day to school with the tiny park on one side and all those quaint patisseries on the other. I remember getting lost on the way to Capitole every other day trying to find a way. Now and then, when I look out of my window and see kids playing, I hear the noise from that lovely Carousel with all those horses near Maringo. Whenever I see Zara, I am instantly there back in Toulouse looking over all those fine dresses, window shopping away to glory.

It all seems to be coming back like those waves finding their way to the shore and finally settling down peacefully. I always wait for the next glimpse, the next ride on that Ferris wheel. It was a different life or maybe a life of a different person. I loved my solitude back then, treasured it even. I used to walk till I couldn’t walk anymore listening to some song or the other on my iPod. Life was so easy, I didn’t have any obligations. I dint have to talk to anyone if I dint want to. I dint have any pressing life changing choices that I had to think about. I dint know anybody, I could do whatever I want, whenever I want. I was free in a word.

There is something very powerful about this feeling. You have no responsibilities no commitments. School was so easy; I never had to worry about a project deadline nor a presentation. I could sit for an hour and I was free to do anything or nothing for the rest of the day. One thing I had to do was cook, which I loved doing. I would go to Carrefour and buy something gourmet every time. I would experiment till I find the right recipe. I loved sitting in the tiny alcove of our kitchen with my dinner on one side, a glass of wine on the other with the music playing on the speakers.

I loved travelling. I dint have to plan months before, I could just up and leave with my backpack. I dint have to worry about reservations in hotels. I would walk up to their door and get a room for sure and everything was on my budget. It was never terrifying going to a new country, it was rather exhilarating. This would be a place I would never come back, I could never meet or talk to the people I am talking to. There is a sense of wonder in everything you do.

Even the most mundane conversations stick to your mind because these are the ideas or thoughts of someone so different in every way. I remember talking to this old man on my way back from Mt. Titlis, he went around the whole of Asia in his car back in the 70s. I remember talking to this editor of a photography magazine in Hamburg. We chatted for almost an hour about cameras even though I am as clueless about them as the next person. But, I loved having these interchanges because they were unique.

Now I look at my life, it’s so mundane. I don’t even remember the conversation I had with my manager this morning because I don’t feel the need to reminisce every tiny detail because it’s not relevant to me as a person. Would I be happier if I were all alone in a strange country where I don’t even speak the language? I don’t know. But all I know is that it sets you free. It makes you look at things in a different light, makes you think about stuff you would never even think about in this life.

I had a great three month break from my life but once you get a taste of that wandering lifestyle, this boring job these responsibilities make you feel so smothered sometimes. I keep thinking of just taking off, going somewhere all on my own just to think, just be. I don’t want company. It would just be me and my thoughts in a faraway land. I know that this would be a dream just like so many others along the way, but it felt good to pen down these thoughts just to remind me of that other life.