My Own Personal Hell

It’s been a long time since I have curled up with a cup of hot soup and read a novel all night, cosy in my own apartment. It was my dream, the way I wanted my life to be, to have a good book always next to me so that I can sleep all content. That dream has been taken away from me and it has been almost six months that I have read anything that is worth remembering or quoting. My life has changed. I believed that I would find that missing piece that I have been searching for 22 years and be a part of something. Alas nothing of that sort has happened and instead I find myself moving towards another black hole.

I am gripped by sadness. Sadness over the sudden realization that there is nothing exceptional about what I have been going through. I obsessed about this new experience, thought it would be able to define what I want. That every mess I have made will all of a sudden fall into pieces and all the chaos would end. But this has become my fundamental and customary condition of my existence. I have to come to terms with it (I don’t want to accept this for a fact but maybe may be if I write it down I will one day just accept my fate)

Okie, I guess enough philosophy for a post, I couldn’t stop myself I guess it’s because the mood that I am in I can’t seem to make even simple decisions these days. You should understand when you make revelations as above one would be dazed and confused. That’s exactly the state I am in right now. So, I have decided to just stop thinking and live one day at a time. How easy would be to just do what you want to do without thinking and rethinking about the repercussions? Just enjoying the ride...

After two months of relentless torture (thanks to the IIM system) I finally had free time to actually come out of my shell and go out into the civilization that I have long forgotten. Landmark oh how I missed you! One place that would definitely cheer you up when you find that your grade sheet is not so appealing as you want it to be, when you think that you have screwed up yet another exam, when you realize that you miss your old friends and most of all when you are in dire need to escape from this world.

I just stood there for almost 5 minutes just staring at the books. You smell the sweet whiff of the new books all around you. All I wanted to do was just sit there and forget about everything bad that has happened (ohh when I say bad, I mean crying-your-heart-out bad, I will not get into the details of that rather touchy subject but will just say this, apparently people in wing could hear me crying, well this was what I needed with all the other good things that have been happening around me)

So escape is what I did and boy was I happy that they had a sale! With no job and all the bonus money spent on clothes for my new wardrobe (I am student now I can’t look like an old lady or a environmentalist wearing my FabIndia stuff) I had very little of my erstwhile salary left. So, I had to be picky and I m not good at picking just one book. But then there was a sale on Murukami! All his novels that I bought for 450 are now for freaking 250 bucks. So I picked up Dance, Dance, Dance which later I realized was a sequel to Wild Sheep Chase (which was the last Murukami book I read when I was at home before all this mess has begun).

K was with me in Landmark and let me tell you something about her. She just wants to buy the bookstore if it were up to her. She has no sense of judgement when it comes to books she just grabs them from the rack and into the basket so fast that you would wonder when she will have the time to read all of them in the hellhole. She is one of those people who just loves gaze at at her collection all pleased and happy. I used to the exact same thing when I was in Chennai. I cleaned up the drawing room closet and stacked my books and what a sight it was. I just used to sit there hours together deciding which book to read. And obviously when my parents came to visit, half the collection was my room-mates, though the charade dint last long. I had to finally lug them back home and did I get an earful from my mom about blowing all the money I made on books!

I had a friend with whom I can buy books with (though S, I should point out that no one can replace you :)). So, we like 6-7 books in between us though I should say K bought more books than me for the record. She just can’t stop herself. And I don’t mind when someone else buys the books I want to read. So, all in all we bought two Murukamis, one Ishigaro, one Wodehouse and the latest Hornby (yippie!)

All this happened last Sunday. From Monday we had our classes again after a really long time. You should know that B-Schools are the places where they teach you absolutely arbit and the most boring stuff. I have at least three subjects this term where at any point in a class you can find the whole of last bench sleeping. But something’s genetically wrong with me; I can’t sleep when someone is lecturing you. I have been suffering from this disease for the last six years. I was the one who used to wake up N in our first year and now P all through the first term. I am the snooze button for them (only in class though).

I thought I would read my novel rather than doing the full time job of a snooze button. Finished my first novel in six months (first good one though, guilty as charged for reading at least n trash novels in between, it seems to be an obsession these day and I m warning you S no comments about this!) in just two days. Reading Murakami makes you feel like you've just awakened from a deep sleep and you aren't sure if you're still dreaming. I love reading his books because you feel empty after reading it. His narrator is a loner, and the world that was built emphasized this. People who don’t want to confirm and live in the fringes trying to find happiness in their own. He talks about Dylan, Floyd and all those 60s musicians. He is so cool and at philosophical when needed. I just love the conversations between his characters. It’s like having an emotional catharsis in every exchange.

I m still basking in that glow you feel after reading something wonderful, something just so simple yet so poignant. I wish I can go on living like this, reading one book after another. But I am not one of those blessed ones; I have a MANAC quiz tomorrow and have to start studying now :(
Cheers for now!

My Waiting Line

So, I am back to my virtual reality. I guess I thought I could forget the existence of my not-so-important blog, but cant hold back anymore. Waiting in an airport does things to you. It reminds me of all those other times I was in Delhi. The time I gave my GRE and was travelling alone for the first time and coming to delhi all the way from chennai to meet neha. I was sad the first time and really happy the second time. Now I cant even define the emotions. I am becoming this person who doesnt care about anything. I dont know where this fatalistic attitude dropped in out of the blue. I thought being pessimistic was bad enough. I cant seem to be anyone's company for more than 5 mins without inherently thinking about my exit strategy.
Lucknow I thought would be a good experience where I would become more loquacious but it looks like two years down the line I would be the deaf-mute of the batch. Fatalism is good when you are senile and dont want to be associated with the world.
My first term has ended, not at a very bright note though. I have screwed up as many papers as possible. Somewhere along the line I lost interest. I guess thats what two years in a crappy job does to you. You loose sight of what is important to you as you have become too numb to think about what would happen if you let those things affect you.
One term down and a lot wiser? Definitely not but then I now know to dodge dead lines and make reports out of thin air within an hour. Maybe these are the skills that are needed in the end after all. Not much of fees got wasted if you put it that way.
Anyways so here I am in Delhi airport after two years and it all feels so distant. The last time I remember I was so happy coming to this place. Shopped like crazy with N. Now, I dont even have that feeling of nostalgia. Just another waiting line. Ending this one with a good song lyric.

Wait in line
'Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop

Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me

Woooohh
Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see

Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can

Woooohh
Do you believe
In what you feel
It doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see

Ah and I'll shout and I'll scream
But I'd rather not have seen
And I'll hide away for another day

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see

Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can

My meaningless run

I have forgotten that I blog. I dont remember those nights where I used to sit and ponder. Sometimes alone, sometimes disussing stuff with S. Sometimes getting depressed over trivial things. That seems to be a different life. A life where I was free, a life where I did things because I was bored. There was no meaning, just for the sake of doing something significant I went ahead and did some stupid mistakes. I m not saying I regret those. I am in no position to think of them as thoughtless deeds. But I did them for the sheer reason to know that I am living. I am indeed alive and not another dead rat.
I was running for something to change my life. I never knew what it was and I dont know what it is even now. I thought this is the life I wanted for 22 years but apparently I am grossly mistaken. I was chasing this dream for so long I forgot the reason somewhere along the ride. I just dreamt of the destination. The one place that will define me. How sad is it that I always take the wrong decisions. all the time. Not once have I made the right choice. I have never known that choice has existed.
Now I am in another hell going through another load of shit, I guess I better get used to it and get ready for the next round of the rat races. I thought I was different but I never saw the people around me wanting the exact same thing for the exact same reason. I have become one of them another insignificant rat.
I want to get out of this race but I have gone too far and been here so long I cant seem to find my way out. I m too afraid to get out. I ll live all my life moving from once race course to another never realizing what is out there for me. But then I have made this conscious choice the day I had decided to write JEE. I guess nothing can be changed now. I have to compromise and I m getting pretty good at it day after day.
The end doesnt seem so important to me now coz I have realized I m gonna reach there one way or another. I m just trying to enjoy the ride. Thats what left now. The good old ride. Not too bad eh?
Well, I have two end terms tomorrow but had to get this off my chest so here's to my meaningless battles :)

Au revoir

So S wrote me a farewell post. Here I was at 5 in the evening thinking that this is my last day at work and I m not at all feeling sentimental about anything. And then I read it and I cannot believe I how badly I am going to miss all these inane things that we did.

The stupid shopaholic trips where she used to berate me about my FabIndia obsession or those bookshop sojourns where we would just keep on picking one book after another. Or the cab rides back home at 12 in the night. I got used to her being there that i look to my side every time i m in a word salad. People speculated that I would be doing the same head nod during my interview. But yeah that how dependant I have become. She is the sane one who is trying to talk me out of all those stupid things that I always tangle into. She is the one who helps out when I am in a pickle ( I don't know what I would have done without you in that situation, probably checked into a psych ward for paranoia) She was the one who pushed me to study for CAT, without her I would be sleeping 12 hours a day or catching up the new TV series. She made me read all the good novels and introduced me to Indian Fiction. And she was the one who reminded me the good old 60s music that I seem to have forgotten.

When I came to Chennai, I never dreamt of actually having a friend like her. I was absolutely miserable for the first three months trying to fit in where I could not. And then one day I heard some one talking about books and the rest is history. I had a good birthday after a bad run of three years thanks to her. Vintage Monday nights will always be special.

I thought I was lucky I have an agony aunt, seems like I have two now :)

P.S I am being the good one, I did not give you a nick name!

My Music

Music, I forgot how it could affect people. It is the only constant thing in my life. Things change people change. But music has given me company through thick and thin.
Like I listen to Unnamed feeling when I am depressed. I cannot think when Hetfield's vocals. It makes me realize that whatever I am obsessing about is not worth it. When I am happy I listen to Regina Spektor. She is one of those few female singers that I listen to, not that I am gender biased but when you are used to those heavy vocals you cant come back and listen to poppy stuff. But she has this perky happy-pill-haze voice.

And when I am too having the blazing blues I go to Anathema. It makes you laugh and cry at the same time. I cant express how I feel when I listen to them. I just forget about whats happening around me. Its like sitting in a deep dark room and you have only this music around you. Utter darkness and only this melancholic music that engulfs you.

The absolute essential Pink Floyd. Anywhere. Anytime. It just feels so serene. High hopes seems to be the song of the hour. The lyrics cannot get anymore apt. The songs are so overwhelmingly beautiful. And then there's Porcupine Tree. Coming close second after a huge tug-of-war with Opeth. I cant stop once I start rambling about music.

Its just that there are few and few people that like the same stuff that I do, I am kind of in a rut. So the other day I decided that I have to start something new and found Amelie's Sound track. I should say that this has been one of those lucky finds after so many mediocre songs. Yann Tierson is awesome. I guess I m having an inclination towards things French ( No offense N). Anyways so just after two days that I have started listening to the sound track, N called and she was like I found this awesome new french singer Tierson. I guess it is one of those coincidences you cant explain but that sure felt nice. And then she suggested this song Monochrome.

Sometimes you wonder how these guys come up with their lyrics. They are so apt. So perfect. Every emotion you feel is in that song. There are only a few songs whose lyrics are so out-of-this-world. I almost cried listening to the song. And I am not the crying sort. I never cry. But strangely music is one of those few things that can make me cry. I think I m becoming too sensitive to it. The last time it happened when I was listening to I am Mine.

I couldnt stop myself from posting the lyrics :)

Anyway, I can try
Anything it's the same circle
That leads to nowhere and I'm tired now.

Anyway, I've lost my face,
My dignity, my look,
Everything is gone
And I'm tired now.

But don't be scared,
I found a good job and I go to work
Every day on my old bicycle you loved.

I am pilling up some unread books under my bed
And I really think I'll never read again.

No concentration,
Just a white disorder
Everywhere around me,
You know I'm so tired now.

But don't worry
I often go to dinners and parties
With some old friends who care for me,
Take me back home and stay.

Monochrome floors, monochrome walls,
Only absence near me,
Nothing but silence around me.
Monochrome flat, monochrome life,
Only absence near me,
Nothing but silence around me.

Sometimes I search an event
Or something to remind,
But I've really got nothing in mind.

Sometimes I open the windows
And listen people walking in the down streets.
There is a life out there.

But don't be scared,
I found a good job and I go to work
Every day on my old bicycle you loved.

Anyway, I can try
Anything it's the same circle
That leads to nowhere and I'm tired now.

Anyway, I've lost my face,
My dignity, my look,
Everything is gone
And I'm tired now.

But don't worry
I often go to dinners and parties
With some old friends who care for me,
Take me back home and stay.

Monochrome floors, monochrome walls,
Only absence near me,
Nothing but silence around me.

Monochrome flat, monochrome life,
Only absence near me,
Nothing but silence around me

My Inconvenient Truth

I was supposed to write one blog per month because my writing as you might have noticed has gone downhill for good. I can’t come up with one decent post proving my theory that IQ is inversely proportional to the time you work in an IT company. I cannot watch two serious movies in a row. Comedies I can do. What does this tell you I have become dumber? I guess I have. I am trying my best look like a total dufus by reading good books (Now you may ask if you are a dumb person then how would you quantify the books you read as good or bad :) )
Anyways so yeah my math skills have gone the drain. I mean for simple additions, I am opening calc application. This could either mean that I have either become extremely lazy that instead of using my mind for two seconds I am typing things out for 10 seconds or I am an idiot. I guess laziness sounds much better. Or I google everything I mean everything. I think that is the first sign of dehumanization. No thoughts just plain facts.

Sometimes the weirdest of things happen which makes you to step back and notice things around you. Nothing profound, for the record before you think that I had an epiphany or a revelation (like in the movies where the music slows down and then actor has this very grave expression and then presto he has the solutions to all the problems.)

So I was watching TV at A’s place in Bangalore on Sunday. Behind the Scenes show was on and this week’s movie was Revolutionary Road. I have seen this movie almost a month ago. I was downloading all those good movies but never watching them. So, after the daily TV series marathon, I sat down with hot soup expecting something serious but never did I imagine that this movie would have such an effect on me. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was roaming around the house like a ghost because I could not get images of the movie out of mind.

Set in 1950s, it shows us a fatalistic view of the reality of life in suburbs. It talks about how we let our life pass by, never living it. Once we stop we stop dreaming, we stop living. I know that sounds extreme, but this movie has made me reflect on all of the time I've wasted, who I've lived my life for and whether I've left things too long to change. It's far too easy to accept that this is how our life is going to be, a less than satisfying existence.

I hated the characters because they are too real for me. Because once upon a time I thought I would be doing a job which would be meaningful which I would love. But now I have accepted the fact that it is just a means to pay the rent. I am just living my life wasting one day at a time. Its not that something is stopping me, I can leave my job and do what I want to if I know what I want to do. But there is always the questions what if something goes wrong? What if I don’t like it? I am afraid to take even the first step. I have all the reasons for not taking that step, recession, no jobs around so let’s wait. I am Frank Wheeler. I don’t want to take chances because I am comfortable right now. I don’t like to change anything. The movie has shown me one version of my life. It didn’t help me feel better about myself or get a better perspective of life. Instead, this film just left me shattered and disturbed.

My March

Its march. The month of interviews and stupid form filling. Started off with one hectic week where I was shuttling between bangalore and chennai. I dont like change even if its for my own good. I hate travelling. One would think after the 24 hour train travel experience for the four years would make me love trains. But I despise them with all my heart and when it is just seven hours between the two stations you can never sleep. I had to talk to people around me and ask them to wake me up the next morning. It cannot get any more embarrassing than that. But hey I not writing this blog to complain about my inane quirks. I did have a nice time in bangalore catching up with old friends and shrinking people. Good old days.

But back in chennai with butt load of work pending, reality is a little too hard to digest when you in that nostalgic phase. But I did my best to put a straight face and stopped watching tv series for once. Big brother is back blocking every other website that is good so I dint actually have an option there. But as N has said I embraced my love for music. You feel so good the day you find a nice song. I got so excited when I heard Voyage 34. It made my day, hell it made my week. And also I had to answer my brother who thought I was doing drugs because no one who is not a dope head can like that song. People are judgmental :)

When things were just getting back to normal my asshole of a manager did some much NEEDED reshuffling of our team and presto S was assigned to some other team. I cursed and cursed, the one person I can talk to is no longer sitting in my favorite cubicle where we sit and discuss Mr.Crowley's new blog or one of those Mil Millington jokes. So yeah in short my office is a hell hole and I am back to sitting and reading another trash ( which I have to say is the best way to act real serious because people will always think I am reading one of those TDs ! Point for me)
Why is that when you get used to something, anything the universe conspires to fuck things up. I dint ask for happiness or peace of mind. I just asked for some normalcy. Is it a big thing? Every time I get used to the change some karmic crap happens and here I am back again dealing with this shit.

I forgot my ritual about my movie of the post. I dont have enough time for movies these days ( Before you get any ideas of me doing things like going out meeting people or something even worse. No I did not stop watching I just shifted my attention to tv series) I saw RocknRolla last friday. Went to the theater actually to watch this one. And hell it was worth every penny to see Archie on the big screen 8). Guy Ritchie is back with a brand new cast and I am loving it!