My Epiphany

Time flies these days or at least it appears that way to me. I keep thinking about something I did or some place I went to recently only to realize that it has been almost a year. I started my hunt for a new job around the same time last year where I swore that I would leave this place. A year has gone by and I have been looking, still looking.

The only people who are actually cognizant of the fact of time passing by are my parents who remind me how much they hate my job every day through innumerable phone calls. Yes, my parents have found a new reason to vent out (the previous issue albeit unsolved is currently shelved for the time being).

I have changed a lot the past year or I would hope so. I have become more sober (not in the literal sense!). I don’t like going out, I would rather curl up with a book and a glass of wine. I don’t feel the need to make small talk with my roommates. I stopped all my frivolous pursuits which included going to malls because there is nothing else to do or going to Colaba just because. I don’t go wild when I shop online (okay, I am getting there), rather I spend more time on localbanya trying to buy groceries.

I was always a mess. It was a large part of my identity for a long time. I was the one who never did make the right choice and god forbid whenever I did make the right choice, whenever I did something that felt remotely grown up, it was almost out of irony. “Look at me pretending to have my shit together. Ha ha. You’re stupid if you think this is who I actually am.”

But eventually the lines became blurred and I am finding myself coming closer to something I didn’t recognize before. I don’t know whether I can say that I have become more mature. But, it happened quietly.  The change was gradual and it did come with a load of contradictions. I stopped going to drink because it’s too noisy and full of drunk people. I do drink at home instead of going out but I don’t want to take that one thing away. Some time I feel like I am in control of what’s happening around me and the next moment I feel like everything is falling apart. I keep making lists of things to do, shopping lists, grocery lists, excels filled with my saving plans.

I don’t mind being by myself. I am fine with what I am doing right now. I always had this internal battle in my head where I would be comparing myself to people around me and finding faults but I no longer do that. I am happy. I think I am ready to take care of me or at least I think I am. I keep thinking about exercising than going drinking. I went and got a complete CBC so that I could figure out what I should be eating. I maintain a food diary. I keep thinking about my carb intake. I am off the specialty diet wagon all together. I can’t seem to stop from counselling each and every analyst in my office. I actually know all their B-School SOP stories.

I was worried that it would never sink in with me. I keep seeing everyone around me settle into their skin more except for me. My life felt like a Groundhog’s Day. I kept on making the same mistakes over and over again with no learning curve. I kept thinking: When will it happen? When will it finally click? And then it did. More and more each day. Some less than others actually. No matter what though, I want to be this person who I have become now. And I think I am on my way to be a grown-up.