My Exorcism

That’s what my friends are calling it, the exorcism of PC. The prequel to this horror story started in June, when my grandmother went to my family pundit who suggested that before looking for “suitable boys”, I had to get this pooja done. I found out about this little nugget later, much later.  My mother dearest informed me that it was grandfather’s last wish that I do this one thing. I don’t believe in all this hoopla, but she had the “ace”, I can’t say no to her when she uses my granddad’s name in vain. So, I bucked-up and booked tickets for a three day ritual after many months of negotiating.

I had no idea as to what was going to happen. My brother went through the a similar ritual before going to the US, so I assumed it would be a cake walk, go to the temple, sit for half hour and come back home. Little did I know the deviousness of it all. As soon as I landed my mom listed down the do’s and don’ts during my stay.  Here’s the list:

• No stepping outside the house other than to the temple
• Head bath at 6 in the morning when it was freezing cold outside (repeat for 3 days)
• No sleeping on the bed ergo sleep on the hard floor (sleeping on sofas also included in the don’t list, crushing my only hope of beating the system)
• No pillows!
• No eating/drinking/even-thinking about outside food (thank god for my grandmas arisalu which were technically made inside “her” house so were eligible for yours truly’s can-eat list)   
• No visiting of places that were forbidden (I did not get the list of said places, so I was wildly speculating at this point but apparently the list is quite sedate, places include pregnancy wards(!) et al)
• No NV food on a weekend at home (I actually got my mother to make her famous biryani the night before so at least I got one thing covered, seriously! What’s the point of coming home when you had to eat the same dal for three days)

I was little miss naive when I went to the pooja on the first day till the guy made me repeat a sloka which can be literally translated to me begging god for a suitable boy every five minutes. FTW! I was conned by my own parents! I couldn't obviously cry wolf and walk out, so there I sat like a nice gult girl with bangles, bindi, dupatta and other accouterments praying for a suitable boy for the next two hours. I did get my frustration out as soon as we walked out of the temple. I did the silent treatment, a lot of yelling, back to silent treatment; none of them worked though. My mother was unflappable. I have never seen her so excited about anything, she was just waiting for the ritual to get over so that she can start planning my demise (at that moment I could actually picture her evil gleeful laugh!) Anyhoo, I gave up and got my kindle out (thank you yet again amazon, for saving my life’s myriad problems by denial yet again). This went on: me reading my kindle, my mother’s planning and my father’s nonchalant agreement to whatever my mother says for two days.

The final day was the big purge, the Homa. We reach there early where I was made to recite that godforsaken sloka n number of times after which we sat around the consecrated fire at which point my on-again-off-again dust allergy started acting up. For the next two hours I was competing with the pandit’s chants with my mellifluous sneezes. I guess all the evil things in me got out of my nose by the end of the process. My mother was fuming at me the whole time; it was either look at her or the burning pyre, I took the easy way out, pyre it was. The torture did not end there if you think this is enough, after the horrific two hour snezathon, I had to listen to the pandit’s gyaan session where he mistook me for my cousin and went into Dr. Phil marriage counseling mode (couldn't blame him though with all the ghee fumes around, it can happen, trust me on this one). So, there I was literally crying because my nose won’t stop watering and my ears were ready to burst listening to “7 ways to keep your husband in your pallu”, “In-laws and You, Feel the Fear” and other such endearing topics. 

And after being through all of this you would expect some sort of effect right, not in the obvious department. My mother actually appeased for a minute and made the pandit include “advancement in career” also in the prayers. So, I come back Monday morning, ready for my not-so-busy office life and wham I am hit with so much work I don’t think I am going to see the light of day for the next two weeks.

Totally worked. NOT