My Empty Room

All this past week I have been in Chennai, the land of the lost. The city that I have spent the best part of two years, the city where I thought that I found myself and got lost again. Chennai always has this nostalgic longing associated to it. But the reality is so different.
It’s like a visual diary reminding you have all the good things and all the bad things tumbled into one huge blast from the past. The last few visits to Chennai have so fleeting that I never took time to stop and think. I was always running, and now I have stopped and it definitely is not looking rosy any more. I don’t like the familiar smells and the accustomed hangouts. It reminds me of a simpler time and a stupider me. I don’t think I can even live in Chennai because it’s like a time machine transporting into your past with every familiar trigger. It’s like that episode from Love Bites, things tainted can never be normal again however much you want them to be. You can never exorcise it.

I have been spending a lot of time in hotel rooms these days. They kind of bring things into perspective. I have never felt lonely in a really long time. I never thought I would feel this way; I am not one of those people who need someone around all the time. I rather like to be alone, with a good book and my laptop. I lived alone for three months in a big empty house but never did I feel so desolate. I guess the whole depressing hotel atmosphere just added to the equation. To add to my misery, my phone was not working. It was me in a dumpy room, which for some reason was so cold that I had to dig into the bed and stay still to stop from shivering. Winter is coming.

This trip actually helped me out in making some hard decisions. I cannot settle in Chennai. I have to find another city, maybe Bangalore or maybe somewhere far way where the past has absolutely no influence on me.