My Celebratory Spirit
Actually I started writing this blog on Pongal but it took me all this time to kinda finish (if you can call it that). Better late than never right?
So, its officially Pongal and I for the life of me cannot get the holiday cheer. I guess I have become too detached from all this shit. I no longer think of festivals or their deep meaning or the chores that I used to do when I was a kid. It was so different back then. I used to get all excited about Kolams, ferreting out out news papers to find new designs and buying the colours and sitting through all evening to finish them. Its all a haze now. We used to run around the neighborhood looking at all the handiwork oohing and aahing all the way.
I no longer feel a connection to that person. I have not celebrated a festival in the last seven years. I am not talking about the so called diwali parties or the lodhi bon fires but the small things like getting up early in the morning and taking bath before breakfast, trying to taste everything that my mom was cooking. Now it’s just another day.
But today as it happens I did at least something. I cleaned my room (albeit superficially). Got the main to do the rest of work, took bath (only under emotional duress which I have to specify) and dutifully called all my relatives and wished them. All this while it was just a ruse to get myself into the spirit of the whole thing, but it did not work out. I sat in my room and started my Bones marathon again.
I m not an atheist per se, I do the temple visiting (though on a yearly basis). But, this whole selfish lifestyle of mine has taken away the joys of small things as sitting with my family and having a simple lunch. I don’t miss it and that the hardest part to digest.
I d rather sit in my room alone, search for something stupid on the net or watch some movie. It’s just me and my computer. That’s my world. Throw in an occasional phone call to S and C. I seem to exist in this limbo (Ohh how I have come to love this word). I know that my life in this hell hole is almost over, but its like a safe cocoon.
It has been like this for the last 20 days rather for the last few months. When I was in France, I did not actually have an option of talking to anyone (because the company was ohh so awesome and well I have come to respect and love my solitary pursuits, be it a walk along the river for two hours with my iPod or those insane shopping expeditions that I did all on my own). I think I have changed, at least before this whole trip, I used to make some effort to bond with others but now I m just fine with my own company.
I do the occasional phone call to my parents, purely an update that I am alive and well. Is this how I thought life would be when I was kid doing those Kolams or trying really hard to read the Sanskrit slokas?
It’s not that I don’t like the person I have become (okie sometimes I do, I mean all I do these days is to piss people off so that they would just leave me alone but that’s beside the point). Is this my worst possible version? I guess it is. I thought I had hit rock bottom long time back but this is a new low even for me.
I don’t know how long this limbo will last but hope it happens soon or I will go insane or I ll turn into paranoid schizophrenic. One of the things is surely going to happen.
Okie, horrible post on a good sunny day but well when were my thoughts about sunshine and the rain?
P.S Short story coming shortly, the problem is the inspiration for this story has currently called it quits for some reason. So, I dont have enough to go on. Will get the real one back on track real soon
So, its officially Pongal and I for the life of me cannot get the holiday cheer. I guess I have become too detached from all this shit. I no longer think of festivals or their deep meaning or the chores that I used to do when I was a kid. It was so different back then. I used to get all excited about Kolams, ferreting out out news papers to find new designs and buying the colours and sitting through all evening to finish them. Its all a haze now. We used to run around the neighborhood looking at all the handiwork oohing and aahing all the way.
I no longer feel a connection to that person. I have not celebrated a festival in the last seven years. I am not talking about the so called diwali parties or the lodhi bon fires but the small things like getting up early in the morning and taking bath before breakfast, trying to taste everything that my mom was cooking. Now it’s just another day.
But today as it happens I did at least something. I cleaned my room (albeit superficially). Got the main to do the rest of work, took bath (only under emotional duress which I have to specify) and dutifully called all my relatives and wished them. All this while it was just a ruse to get myself into the spirit of the whole thing, but it did not work out. I sat in my room and started my Bones marathon again.
I m not an atheist per se, I do the temple visiting (though on a yearly basis). But, this whole selfish lifestyle of mine has taken away the joys of small things as sitting with my family and having a simple lunch. I don’t miss it and that the hardest part to digest.
I d rather sit in my room alone, search for something stupid on the net or watch some movie. It’s just me and my computer. That’s my world. Throw in an occasional phone call to S and C. I seem to exist in this limbo (Ohh how I have come to love this word). I know that my life in this hell hole is almost over, but its like a safe cocoon.
It has been like this for the last 20 days rather for the last few months. When I was in France, I did not actually have an option of talking to anyone (because the company was ohh so awesome and well I have come to respect and love my solitary pursuits, be it a walk along the river for two hours with my iPod or those insane shopping expeditions that I did all on my own). I think I have changed, at least before this whole trip, I used to make some effort to bond with others but now I m just fine with my own company.
I do the occasional phone call to my parents, purely an update that I am alive and well. Is this how I thought life would be when I was kid doing those Kolams or trying really hard to read the Sanskrit slokas?
It’s not that I don’t like the person I have become (okie sometimes I do, I mean all I do these days is to piss people off so that they would just leave me alone but that’s beside the point). Is this my worst possible version? I guess it is. I thought I had hit rock bottom long time back but this is a new low even for me.
I don’t know how long this limbo will last but hope it happens soon or I will go insane or I ll turn into paranoid schizophrenic. One of the things is surely going to happen.
Okie, horrible post on a good sunny day but well when were my thoughts about sunshine and the rain?
P.S Short story coming shortly, the problem is the inspiration for this story has currently called it quits for some reason. So, I dont have enough to go on. Will get the real one back on track real soon
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