My Own Personal Hell
It’s been a long time since I have curled up with a cup of hot soup and read a novel all night, cosy in my own apartment. It was my dream, the way I wanted my life to be, to have a good book always next to me so that I can sleep all content. That dream has been taken away from me and it has been almost six months that I have read anything that is worth remembering or quoting. My life has changed. I believed that I would find that missing piece that I have been searching for 22 years and be a part of something. Alas nothing of that sort has happened and instead I find myself moving towards another black hole.
I am gripped by sadness. Sadness over the sudden realization that there is nothing exceptional about what I have been going through. I obsessed about this new experience, thought it would be able to define what I want. That every mess I have made will all of a sudden fall into pieces and all the chaos would end. But this has become my fundamental and customary condition of my existence. I have to come to terms with it (I don’t want to accept this for a fact but maybe may be if I write it down I will one day just accept my fate)
Okie, I guess enough philosophy for a post, I couldn’t stop myself I guess it’s because the mood that I am in I can’t seem to make even simple decisions these days. You should understand when you make revelations as above one would be dazed and confused. That’s exactly the state I am in right now. So, I have decided to just stop thinking and live one day at a time. How easy would be to just do what you want to do without thinking and rethinking about the repercussions? Just enjoying the ride...
After two months of relentless torture (thanks to the IIM system) I finally had free time to actually come out of my shell and go out into the civilization that I have long forgotten. Landmark oh how I missed you! One place that would definitely cheer you up when you find that your grade sheet is not so appealing as you want it to be, when you think that you have screwed up yet another exam, when you realize that you miss your old friends and most of all when you are in dire need to escape from this world.
I just stood there for almost 5 minutes just staring at the books. You smell the sweet whiff of the new books all around you. All I wanted to do was just sit there and forget about everything bad that has happened (ohh when I say bad, I mean crying-your-heart-out bad, I will not get into the details of that rather touchy subject but will just say this, apparently people in wing could hear me crying, well this was what I needed with all the other good things that have been happening around me)
So escape is what I did and boy was I happy that they had a sale! With no job and all the bonus money spent on clothes for my new wardrobe (I am student now I can’t look like an old lady or a environmentalist wearing my FabIndia stuff) I had very little of my erstwhile salary left. So, I had to be picky and I m not good at picking just one book. But then there was a sale on Murukami! All his novels that I bought for 450 are now for freaking 250 bucks. So I picked up Dance, Dance, Dance which later I realized was a sequel to Wild Sheep Chase (which was the last Murukami book I read when I was at home before all this mess has begun).
K was with me in Landmark and let me tell you something about her. She just wants to buy the bookstore if it were up to her. She has no sense of judgement when it comes to books she just grabs them from the rack and into the basket so fast that you would wonder when she will have the time to read all of them in the hellhole. She is one of those people who just loves gaze at at her collection all pleased and happy. I used to the exact same thing when I was in Chennai. I cleaned up the drawing room closet and stacked my books and what a sight it was. I just used to sit there hours together deciding which book to read. And obviously when my parents came to visit, half the collection was my room-mates, though the charade dint last long. I had to finally lug them back home and did I get an earful from my mom about blowing all the money I made on books!
I had a friend with whom I can buy books with (though S, I should point out that no one can replace you :)). So, we like 6-7 books in between us though I should say K bought more books than me for the record. She just can’t stop herself. And I don’t mind when someone else buys the books I want to read. So, all in all we bought two Murukamis, one Ishigaro, one Wodehouse and the latest Hornby (yippie!)
All this happened last Sunday. From Monday we had our classes again after a really long time. You should know that B-Schools are the places where they teach you absolutely arbit and the most boring stuff. I have at least three subjects this term where at any point in a class you can find the whole of last bench sleeping. But something’s genetically wrong with me; I can’t sleep when someone is lecturing you. I have been suffering from this disease for the last six years. I was the one who used to wake up N in our first year and now P all through the first term. I am the snooze button for them (only in class though).
I thought I would read my novel rather than doing the full time job of a snooze button. Finished my first novel in six months (first good one though, guilty as charged for reading at least n trash novels in between, it seems to be an obsession these day and I m warning you S no comments about this!) in just two days. Reading Murakami makes you feel like you've just awakened from a deep sleep and you aren't sure if you're still dreaming. I love reading his books because you feel empty after reading it. His narrator is a loner, and the world that was built emphasized this. People who don’t want to confirm and live in the fringes trying to find happiness in their own. He talks about Dylan, Floyd and all those 60s musicians. He is so cool and at philosophical when needed. I just love the conversations between his characters. It’s like having an emotional catharsis in every exchange.
I m still basking in that glow you feel after reading something wonderful, something just so simple yet so poignant. I wish I can go on living like this, reading one book after another. But I am not one of those blessed ones; I have a MANAC quiz tomorrow and have to start studying now :(
Cheers for now!
I am gripped by sadness. Sadness over the sudden realization that there is nothing exceptional about what I have been going through. I obsessed about this new experience, thought it would be able to define what I want. That every mess I have made will all of a sudden fall into pieces and all the chaos would end. But this has become my fundamental and customary condition of my existence. I have to come to terms with it (I don’t want to accept this for a fact but maybe may be if I write it down I will one day just accept my fate)
Okie, I guess enough philosophy for a post, I couldn’t stop myself I guess it’s because the mood that I am in I can’t seem to make even simple decisions these days. You should understand when you make revelations as above one would be dazed and confused. That’s exactly the state I am in right now. So, I have decided to just stop thinking and live one day at a time. How easy would be to just do what you want to do without thinking and rethinking about the repercussions? Just enjoying the ride...
After two months of relentless torture (thanks to the IIM system) I finally had free time to actually come out of my shell and go out into the civilization that I have long forgotten. Landmark oh how I missed you! One place that would definitely cheer you up when you find that your grade sheet is not so appealing as you want it to be, when you think that you have screwed up yet another exam, when you realize that you miss your old friends and most of all when you are in dire need to escape from this world.
I just stood there for almost 5 minutes just staring at the books. You smell the sweet whiff of the new books all around you. All I wanted to do was just sit there and forget about everything bad that has happened (ohh when I say bad, I mean crying-your-heart-out bad, I will not get into the details of that rather touchy subject but will just say this, apparently people in wing could hear me crying, well this was what I needed with all the other good things that have been happening around me)
So escape is what I did and boy was I happy that they had a sale! With no job and all the bonus money spent on clothes for my new wardrobe (I am student now I can’t look like an old lady or a environmentalist wearing my FabIndia stuff) I had very little of my erstwhile salary left. So, I had to be picky and I m not good at picking just one book. But then there was a sale on Murukami! All his novels that I bought for 450 are now for freaking 250 bucks. So I picked up Dance, Dance, Dance which later I realized was a sequel to Wild Sheep Chase (which was the last Murukami book I read when I was at home before all this mess has begun).
K was with me in Landmark and let me tell you something about her. She just wants to buy the bookstore if it were up to her. She has no sense of judgement when it comes to books she just grabs them from the rack and into the basket so fast that you would wonder when she will have the time to read all of them in the hellhole. She is one of those people who just loves gaze at at her collection all pleased and happy. I used to the exact same thing when I was in Chennai. I cleaned up the drawing room closet and stacked my books and what a sight it was. I just used to sit there hours together deciding which book to read. And obviously when my parents came to visit, half the collection was my room-mates, though the charade dint last long. I had to finally lug them back home and did I get an earful from my mom about blowing all the money I made on books!
I had a friend with whom I can buy books with (though S, I should point out that no one can replace you :)). So, we like 6-7 books in between us though I should say K bought more books than me for the record. She just can’t stop herself. And I don’t mind when someone else buys the books I want to read. So, all in all we bought two Murukamis, one Ishigaro, one Wodehouse and the latest Hornby (yippie!)
All this happened last Sunday. From Monday we had our classes again after a really long time. You should know that B-Schools are the places where they teach you absolutely arbit and the most boring stuff. I have at least three subjects this term where at any point in a class you can find the whole of last bench sleeping. But something’s genetically wrong with me; I can’t sleep when someone is lecturing you. I have been suffering from this disease for the last six years. I was the one who used to wake up N in our first year and now P all through the first term. I am the snooze button for them (only in class though).
I thought I would read my novel rather than doing the full time job of a snooze button. Finished my first novel in six months (first good one though, guilty as charged for reading at least n trash novels in between, it seems to be an obsession these day and I m warning you S no comments about this!) in just two days. Reading Murakami makes you feel like you've just awakened from a deep sleep and you aren't sure if you're still dreaming. I love reading his books because you feel empty after reading it. His narrator is a loner, and the world that was built emphasized this. People who don’t want to confirm and live in the fringes trying to find happiness in their own. He talks about Dylan, Floyd and all those 60s musicians. He is so cool and at philosophical when needed. I just love the conversations between his characters. It’s like having an emotional catharsis in every exchange.
I m still basking in that glow you feel after reading something wonderful, something just so simple yet so poignant. I wish I can go on living like this, reading one book after another. But I am not one of those blessed ones; I have a MANAC quiz tomorrow and have to start studying now :(
Cheers for now!
Comments
After all, life is all about perceptions and how you look at them!
there must be some amount of yang in all this "hellish" yin where you can seek solace...
Wake up before the two years pass in a flutter and you wonder when did the two years pass...and believe me, tomorrow wherever you are, toronto or tokyo, you will look back and tell yourself that you had spent a rollicking time here...believe me, this is human psychology - it never fails to surprise you!
Okie first of all, people can read those fantasy fairytails just to know whats the whole deal is about and not because they believe in them or something
FYI i DONOT read self help books period.
And about enjoying the moment, I believe that you will only cherish something after you loose it. We never know how important these two years are untill they are just memories..
Went to City Center ka Landmark this weekend and girl I missed arguing with you there :)
Good that you are done reading your .. wait .. haan .. fever series :PP
Moi reading Prem Chand in English .. wonder if I can find their Hindi versions .. Will you get them in Lucknow ?
Thanks