My meaningless run
I have forgotten that I blog. I dont remember those nights where I used to sit and ponder. Sometimes alone, sometimes disussing stuff with S. Sometimes getting depressed over trivial things. That seems to be a different life. A life where I was free, a life where I did things because I was bored. There was no meaning, just for the sake of doing something significant I went ahead and did some stupid mistakes. I m not saying I regret those. I am in no position to think of them as thoughtless deeds. But I did them for the sheer reason to know that I am living. I am indeed alive and not another dead rat.
I was running for something to change my life. I never knew what it was and I dont know what it is even now. I thought this is the life I wanted for 22 years but apparently I am grossly mistaken. I was chasing this dream for so long I forgot the reason somewhere along the ride. I just dreamt of the destination. The one place that will define me. How sad is it that I always take the wrong decisions. all the time. Not once have I made the right choice. I have never known that choice has existed.
Now I am in another hell going through another load of shit, I guess I better get used to it and get ready for the next round of the rat races. I thought I was different but I never saw the people around me wanting the exact same thing for the exact same reason. I have become one of them another insignificant rat.
I want to get out of this race but I have gone too far and been here so long I cant seem to find my way out. I m too afraid to get out. I ll live all my life moving from once race course to another never realizing what is out there for me. But then I have made this conscious choice the day I had decided to write JEE. I guess nothing can be changed now. I have to compromise and I m getting pretty good at it day after day.
The end doesnt seem so important to me now coz I have realized I m gonna reach there one way or another. I m just trying to enjoy the ride. Thats what left now. The good old ride. Not too bad eh?
Well, I have two end terms tomorrow but had to get this off my chest so here's to my meaningless battles :)
I was running for something to change my life. I never knew what it was and I dont know what it is even now. I thought this is the life I wanted for 22 years but apparently I am grossly mistaken. I was chasing this dream for so long I forgot the reason somewhere along the ride. I just dreamt of the destination. The one place that will define me. How sad is it that I always take the wrong decisions. all the time. Not once have I made the right choice. I have never known that choice has existed.
Now I am in another hell going through another load of shit, I guess I better get used to it and get ready for the next round of the rat races. I thought I was different but I never saw the people around me wanting the exact same thing for the exact same reason. I have become one of them another insignificant rat.
I want to get out of this race but I have gone too far and been here so long I cant seem to find my way out. I m too afraid to get out. I ll live all my life moving from once race course to another never realizing what is out there for me. But then I have made this conscious choice the day I had decided to write JEE. I guess nothing can be changed now. I have to compromise and I m getting pretty good at it day after day.
The end doesnt seem so important to me now coz I have realized I m gonna reach there one way or another. I m just trying to enjoy the ride. Thats what left now. The good old ride. Not too bad eh?
Well, I have two end terms tomorrow but had to get this off my chest so here's to my meaningless battles :)
Comments
kinda sucks to be 24 and realize that everything we thought that we had a choice with was merely our denial trying to cover it up.
i guess.. we COULD promise not to fall in the trap even one more time once, our current deed is done.. no?