My One Year
Its 2 in the night... I have been trying to sleep for almost 2 hours. The house feels eerie. My roommate is on a vacation. I have the house to myself for three days. It all sounded absolutely awesome to me when i thought of it. But then I cant sleep I have been tossing and turning for almost and hour but I cannot sleep. I gave up and saw this really really stupid movie Crazy/Beautiful. And now I m doing the one thing that makes me happ, listening to Regina Spektor. I have been listening to Fidelity for the last four days on my iPod and I still cannot get the song out of my head.
Its been more than an year that I have shifted to Chennai. Doesnt feel like it though, its like just yesterday I was here with my father dropping me off and here I am a year later not a bit wiser maybe a little more stupid (people who work in IT firms are dumbed down to robots by the end of 3 years tops). I have been trying to write something for my first anniversary but I was too busy doing nothing other than trying to be an agony aunt( which N i must say is a really really hard job I dont know how you do it). But I guess I can never do your job. Its not my cup of tea.
Sometimes I feel like I have lost the ability to express outward expression of any feeling at an appropriate time in an appropriate manner. It kills me but that’s what I have become. I run away from any kind of confrontation that I don’t want to face. I maybe the type who grabs all the pointless things in life but lets the important things slip away.
I mean there are a lot of things I have learnt it the hard way during the last one year. I have stopped caring about what people think of me. I don't conform as much as used to. I have no longer the urge to fit in. And these days I don't mull over things as much as I used to back in college. Then again the hope I had when I passed out is long gone. I no longer believe in something-radical-is-going-to-happen so lets all be prepared. The tiny optimism that I had has burned out. I always imagine the worst. That way I ll never be disappointed.
The other day my manager called me for a one-on-one meeting. This was when our project was delivered way before hand and everything was going alright. But at that moment I was scared shitless what he was going to say ( There was an episode of downloading which caught my manager's attention) though I have done nothing (apart from downloading a million songs and watching season after season of one crappy TV series after another, but then they did give me the best employee of the month so I do work for the record) The point being I have become so fatalistic that I can no longer see the good things all I can think of is the worst case scenario.
Here I am sitting all alone trying to enjoy the solitude but cant sit still. I am creating new problems so that I can mull over them and be a little less happy. Maybe these problems are not so imaginary as I want them to be but in the end it all comes to this, I cant be happy. I feel guilty to even think that I was happy even for the shortest time. I tried to live in the moment but it has become impossible for me to do something like that. Because even before something happens I think of the worst possible scenario and start freaking out.
Each day I get some mail or other from people who are leaving the company saying how they loved being here and how they will always remember this place fondly and I imagine myself writing one such mails ( which i hope really really hope would be soon) whom to thank, who has changed my life so profoundly that I have to put it in writing. My mind goes blank. I cant think of someone or something that has such an impact on me.
All in all i guess this one year is not a time frame to judge how mature I have become because half the time I was trying to adjust the new life and the other half just enjoying the ride ( or deluding myself that I was in fact enjoying) This is one of those event less years where nothing big or momentous has happened.
I ll have to wait and see what the next year brings....
Its been more than an year that I have shifted to Chennai. Doesnt feel like it though, its like just yesterday I was here with my father dropping me off and here I am a year later not a bit wiser maybe a little more stupid (people who work in IT firms are dumbed down to robots by the end of 3 years tops). I have been trying to write something for my first anniversary but I was too busy doing nothing other than trying to be an agony aunt( which N i must say is a really really hard job I dont know how you do it). But I guess I can never do your job. Its not my cup of tea.
Sometimes I feel like I have lost the ability to express outward expression of any feeling at an appropriate time in an appropriate manner. It kills me but that’s what I have become. I run away from any kind of confrontation that I don’t want to face. I maybe the type who grabs all the pointless things in life but lets the important things slip away.
I mean there are a lot of things I have learnt it the hard way during the last one year. I have stopped caring about what people think of me. I don't conform as much as used to. I have no longer the urge to fit in. And these days I don't mull over things as much as I used to back in college. Then again the hope I had when I passed out is long gone. I no longer believe in something-radical-is-going-to-happen so lets all be prepared. The tiny optimism that I had has burned out. I always imagine the worst. That way I ll never be disappointed.
The other day my manager called me for a one-on-one meeting. This was when our project was delivered way before hand and everything was going alright. But at that moment I was scared shitless what he was going to say ( There was an episode of downloading which caught my manager's attention) though I have done nothing (apart from downloading a million songs and watching season after season of one crappy TV series after another, but then they did give me the best employee of the month so I do work for the record) The point being I have become so fatalistic that I can no longer see the good things all I can think of is the worst case scenario.
Here I am sitting all alone trying to enjoy the solitude but cant sit still. I am creating new problems so that I can mull over them and be a little less happy. Maybe these problems are not so imaginary as I want them to be but in the end it all comes to this, I cant be happy. I feel guilty to even think that I was happy even for the shortest time. I tried to live in the moment but it has become impossible for me to do something like that. Because even before something happens I think of the worst possible scenario and start freaking out.
Each day I get some mail or other from people who are leaving the company saying how they loved being here and how they will always remember this place fondly and I imagine myself writing one such mails ( which i hope really really hope would be soon) whom to thank, who has changed my life so profoundly that I have to put it in writing. My mind goes blank. I cant think of someone or something that has such an impact on me.
All in all i guess this one year is not a time frame to judge how mature I have become because half the time I was trying to adjust the new life and the other half just enjoying the ride ( or deluding myself that I was in fact enjoying) This is one of those event less years where nothing big or momentous has happened.
I ll have to wait and see what the next year brings....
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